That was the final drop of water in the sinking ship that was our relationship. By then I had some savings, and I moved out.
I rented out a room at a share-house, and took on longer hours at the salon.
Years rolled by, and I continued to work and study part-time, and just when I thought that I had successfully buried that chapter of my life, a phone call uprooted everything.
My mother had passed away.
Despite the years of accumulated hurt and resentment, I found myself at her funeral.
After the service, my mother’s sister, Veronica asked me to go to my childhood home and sort through mom’s belongings. “I wouldn’t know what to do, Cara,” Veronica said.
“I wouldn’t know if anything is valuable or not.” Amidst the modest clothing and remnants of her life, my mother didn’t have much.
But as I was going through everything, I stumbled upon something unexpected — her diary. I couldn’t even recall my mother having a diary.
I didn’t remember her writing in one.
My fingers trembled as I held it. I knew my mother resented me, but did I want to read about it?
I decided that I needed to — for the sake of closure, if anything. I sat in the living room, and began to flip through the pages.
Dear Diary, I hate having to live like this, scrimping and saving, denying my daughter the joys of childhood.
But I’m trapped.
Henry’s decisions leave me no choice… I paused, feeling a knot form in the pit of my stomach. All these years, I was convinced that my mother was the villain in my story.
It had never occurred to me that there might be something deeper fueling her frugality. Dear Diary, Cara is such a happy child.
She’s thriving in school, but I know it won’t last.
Her joy won’t be the same anymore. Henry took out a business loan — he’s convinced that he can make a mark in the waste-paper industry. But I’m convinced that it is a mistake.
I didn’t know that my father did anything other than his job as a manager.
Dear Diary, Henry’s business venture failed. The debt has become a noose around our necks.
I love that he was a dreamer, always taking risks. But now that there’s no money left, Henry has turned to gambling.
He hoped for a big win. But he has lost more. Our debt is enormous.
My heart dropped to my stomach.
My father? A gambler? Dear Diary, I did what I could.
I’ve been scraping together every penny to keep us afloat. But now, since his accident — all the debt has been transferred to me.
I have so much to pay back. Cara barely looks at me, she thinks that I’m not grieving Henry.
I am. I’m also just stressed out by what we’re going to do next. Tears blurred my vision.
I had been unaware of the dire consequences of my father’s accident.
I just knew that his insurance money came and went.
Dear Diary, The most difficult decision I’ve ever made was to use Cara’s college fund. But I didn’t have a choice. It was either that or we were going to lose our house and car.
I couldn’t lose the home that Cara grew up in.
She needs to have the memories of her father. But she resents me. I see it in her eyes.
She believes that I stole her future, when I used the money.
I guess I did. A sob broke through my defenses. My mother hadn’t taken my money out of greed — she did it to protect us from an even worse fate.
Dear Diary, I see the hatred in Cara’s eyes.
She doesn’t understand, and I can’t blame her. She adores Henry, and she idolizes his memory. I couldn’t tell her the truth.
I couldn’t tarnish that image. There’s only silence between us.
Guilt washed over me like a tidal wave. All these years, I had blamed my mother, I had despised her, while she carried this immense burden for my sake.
The final entry broke me.
Dear Diary, Today, the debt was finally cleared. Cara is free from this curse. She can live her life without this dark cloud looming over her.
My only hope is that one day she’ll understand that every sacrifice I made was out of love.
Despite everything, I love that girl more than life itself. Closing diary, I was overwhelmed by a profound sense of remorse and understanding.
Mom did it all for me. Months have passed, and Mom’s diary sits on my bookshelf.
But even though I understand everything now — I am ashamed of myself.
I didn’t stop to ask her more. I just thought that she was greedy.
